OP-ED: Big Pharma put all of the chips in the vaccines and now I can’t get a PS5
Written by: Joel Overbeck
Look. I’m a simple guy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. All I need is a roof over my head, a generic live-in female to cater to my every whim, and an $800 super-computer that allows me to pretend I have transferrable skills and athletic prowess.
But no. Big pharma had to go and screw me over.
As you probably know, the world is currently in the midst of a massive chip shortage. And no, I’m not just talking about how my local No Frills never has Zesty for White People Doritos in stock, although that is also an issue.
I’m talking about the microchips that power the very computer I read conspiracy theories on, the phone I harass women on, and my ultimate precious – the Playstation 5 I would pretend to shoot people on.
The global PS5-I-mean-chip crisis is seriously impacting my quality of life. Without a PS5 to play all the latest games on, how am I supposed to know which game designers to send death threats to over the inclusion of queer and female characters? Huh?
I’ve tried everything to get a PS5. I went on Amazon’s website. I went on Best Buy’s website. I went on 2001 Audio Video’s Geocities page. All they had were Xboxes, and we all know that’s just a plot by Bill Gates to brainwash us into buying Microsoft 365 subscriptions.
I even tried contacting Pfizer’s customer service to tell them to stop buying up all the chips and the guy just told me I had a “chip on my shoulder.” Naturally, I tried to cut the chip out of my arm so I could build a PS5 myself, which I am totally capable of doing, but all I got was a gnarly scar where I was planning my half-sleeve tattoo of Joe Rogan’s face.
So now what am I supposed to do? Call around to local stores to check their stock like some kind of pleb? You know who does that? Microchipped sheeple who want VACCINES.
It’s honestly just careless. We wouldn’t even need vaccine chips if everyone stayed at home playing PS5s. It’s not like I ever go outside anyway. But no, they had to go and prioritize “public health” over my personal mental well-being that I obviously have because I am a very stable person.
And come on, it’s big pharma – they could just make more Ivermectin!
But here I am, PS5-less and with my sketchily acquired $800 burning a hole in my pocket. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that kind of money, invest in crypto? Again?
No way. Time to go buy a truck.
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