SACRAMENTO, CA—With international conflicts causing uncertainty regarding global energy reliance, the United States will begin importing oil from California Governor Gavin Newsom’s hair.
“We estimate 30 million barrels per day could be extracted from the governor’s hair,” said Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm, “That is unless the majority of oil deposits are embedded deep in the less-accessible, stiff layers. In that case, we would be looking at the approval of fracking permits.”
This new source of oil comes as good news for America, and great news for California, a state with the highest gas prices in the country, a struggling economy, exorbitant taxes, and families leaving the state in droves.
Environmental groups are pleased with the discovery of an apparently endless supply of oil that would impact the environment less than wind or solar power. They are very concerned, however, about plans for a Newsom XL Pipeline that will run from the governor’s Sacramento mansion across the country, as well as the environmental and humanitarian impact of this previously unknown source of energy, specifically that there have been no long term studies of having bits of Gavin Newsom ingrained in the lives of every citizen.
At publishing time, Governor Newsom had pledged to use profits from his hair’s oil exports to fund the research and development of renewable fuels made from the poop on his state’s sidewalks.
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