WINNIPEG – According to friends and family, Winnipeg resident David Leiter has begun wearing a cape and is obviously hoping that people will ask him why.
“I think Dave might’ve lost his job or his dog or something,” an acquaintance said. “Whatever’s going on, he really swirls that thing around when he’s talking to you, and then he frowns and sighs when you don’t comment on it.”
Leiter wears the cape when performing errands, and it features heavily in his dating profile photos. So far, 12 strangers have asked Leiter if there’s a comic convention in town, seven have asked if there’s a Renaissance fair, five have crossed the street to avoid interacting with him, and three have been startled by unexpected swooshes.
“I was trying to tell him about my trip to Cape Verde, but the moment I said ‘cape’ he launched into a lecture about the difference between capes and cloaks,” Leiter’s sister said. “Once he said ‘the history of sartorial innovations is, much like my cape, long and fascinating’ I just started thinking about the Jets until his voice stopped.”
Various sources report that Leiter’s cape has been caught in a folding chair, a revolving door, and nine escalators, which he calls “Satan’s stairs.” Despite these setbacks, Leiter remains committed to his fashion choice.
“I went on a date with Leiter and he did that thing where he draped his cape over a puddle for me to walk over,” an anonymous woman said. “But I saw him make the puddle himself from a bottle of water he’d brought along. And then he said not to worry about the cape getting wet because he has a separate ‘bedroom cape.’”
Further reports indicate that Leiter is getting increasingly desperate for cape acknowledgement. “When we went to the bar the first thing he said was ‘Hark, I hope this tavern has fine tankards of mead!’” a friend said. “Then a waitress tripped on his cape and spilled three plates of hot wings. We had to pay for them and leave.”
When reached for comment, Leiter dramatically wrapped his cape around himself and vanished into the night.
Jesus Christ is King
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