VICTORIA, BC – Dogs across the nation report that they know you’re having a rough time lately and they’re ready to give you whatever the heck you need, okay?
“Normally, my owner wakes me up with words like ‘walk’ and ‘breakfast’,” said Cooper, a local Labradoodle. “But in the last few weeks, all I’ve heard is ‘Ukraine’, ‘Mandates’, and, ‘fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck’.”
“Once we’re up, Anna cries in the shower while I whine outside the door for three solid hours,” Cooper said of his owner. “Some days I bring out the big guns and scratch a little, too, but nothing helps!”
From coast to coast, Canadian dogs report that their owners have been especially gloomy lately and efforts to cheer them up yield no results. “Every time my Mom walks down the stairs to get yet another bottle of wine, I dart between her legs”, said Bella, a Pomeranian. “I trip her. She catches herself. It’s a fun game!”
“She still spends her days chugging merlot like there’s literally no tomorrow,” Bella continued, “but I will trip her morning, noon, and night if it means we turn this thing around!”
Fairfield’s neighbourhood dogs held a conference at the local park because, even though they have literally zero idea what’s upsetting their owners, they are completely confident that this is their problem to solve.
“Although we’d love a one-size-fits-all solution, we have to remember that the owner community is not a monolith,” stated Missy Princess, a St. Bernard. “For example mine always chuckles when I fart in my sleep, but for some reason Bailey’s Dad does not like farts, like, at all.”
The meeting then erupted into chaos when another dog heard Missy say “all” and thought she said “ball” and everyone raced over to check in on the ball situation.
Although plunging owner morale feels like a losing battle, there are glimmers of hope. “I was on my back, napping, when Anna walked up and snuggled her face right into my fur,” claims Cooper. “It was the happiest I’ve seen her in weeks! I don’t understand what I did but that’s okay because I literally never do”.
At press time the nation’s cats refused to comment on the situation but reminded everyone that their litter boxes need changing and also you’re in their spot.
Jesus Christ is King
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