How to listen to someone when there’s a bowl of salt and vinegar chips right there

We’ve all been there- someone is telling you a story, probably an extremely personal one that requires your full attention, but also there’s a bowl of salt and vinegar chips right there, bathed in angelic light, looking all delicious and shit. God, they’re so good. Here are some techniques to try to focus on the person talking to you rather than your favourite snack.

Grounding Exercises

The first thing you can try is engaging in some grounding exercises to be in the moment and listen actively to the human being who is sharing their life with you.

Take a breath. Breathe deeply. Not too deeply because your nose will pick up the delicious scent of the perfect mix of salt and vinegar on little potato dreams and you’ll start drooling.

Oh fuck, are those Miss Vickie’s?!

Practice Empathy

Remember caring about other people? Remember how that’s supposed to be a good thing? 

Imagine you are going through what your friend is going through. Then again, your friend is physically closer to the salt and vinegar chips so their life mustn’t be that bad, right?

Okayyy…so you’ve had your 1 chip, that’s fine. We can come back from this. Just whatever you do, don’t go for another one. God, you’re really sweating now. Sweat has salt… salt and vinegar chips… SHIT this is hard!

Imagine someone holding a gun to your friend’s head, threatening to kill them if you don’t listen to their story adequately

That’ll make you pay attention! Sometimes we need the threat of someone’s death on our hands to finally make us a good person who listens to their friends and doesn’t have a single-minded devotion to arguably the best flavour profile of all the snacks in the western part of the world and possibly the only good thing the British have done, ever. Yeah, I said it.

So your friend is saying something about how they were made in the chip factory. Wait, that was just you thinking about the salt and vinegar chips again. Your friend IS GOING TO DIE. Tell yourself those are sour cream and onion chips. Oh god, you also really love sour…

<CRUNCH>

<GUNSHOT!!>

You just killed your friend. I hope you’re happy. I mean, the chips will definitely help with the grieving process, so at least that’s something.

Beaverton