ATLANTA, GA—Just as Lia Thomas was about to make history as the first-ever transgender athlete to win a Division I championship in any sport, Lia was abruptly passed by another swimmer in a dinghy. The swimmer, Emma Weyant, left Lia in her wake as she zipped by and went on to win the 500-yard freestyle race.
“Well folks, it looks like we are going to have a pretty boring race today as a mediocre male has decided to race in the women’s Championship—OH WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! It appears swimmer Emma Weyant has acquired a motorized dinghy boat and is barreling down her lane!” said ESPN announcer Pete Flagelton. “Wow, folks, this is quite the surprise. Looks like things just got taken up a notch!”
Emma continued to make quite the splash as she effortlessly zoomed past the other contestants, completing the race well before Lia and claiming the hard-earned victory. She even managed to beat Olympic gold medalists Katie Ledecky’s all-time record of 4:24.06 by nearly 2 minutes.
Some critics have claimed that Emma’s use of a 20 HP dinghy is extremely unfair, and “doesn’t even count as swimming since she’s not even in the water.” Despite these hurtful and bigoted claims, Emma has stated that she’s not going to let small-minded individuals stop her.
Not willing to accept defeat so easily, at publishing time, Lia Thomas was spotted already training for a rematch in a high-performance speed boat capable of reaching speeds over 100mph.
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
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