PHILADELPHIA, PA—Champion swimmer Lia Thomas (she/her) is constantly being asked by her teammates to open pickle jars, and it’s reportedly causing a great deal of confusion. Thomas reports she has never been more distracted.
“I’m a teeny-tiny woman,” said Thomas while effortlessly opening a pickle jar. “I don’t know why they keep asking me to open these things. It’s not like I’m biologically predisposed to being stronger.”
“Lia, darling, can you open this jar of Vlasic for me?” asked teammate Annabelle Humphrey. “They say it’s the tastiest pickle you’ve ever had and I’ve just gotta’ know!”
Thomas has reportedly been confused, not only by the fact a weak and timid woman keeps having to open pickle jars but also by her team’s sudden obsession with pickles.
“They don’t taste that good,” Thomas said. “I’m opening a dozen pickle jars a day. It’s ridiculous.”
Lia Thomas’s swim game has been negatively impacted by the constant pickle distraction. Her last freestyle competition had her come in a full half-second slower than previously.
Her coach was distraught. “Lia almost won by less than 3 seconds. Embarrassing!”
Sources confirm she’s also been asked to reach items from high shelves and clear backed-up toilets.
Babylon Bee subscriber Conservative Professor contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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