BURLINGTON — Following the introduction of a back-to-work schedule that requires staff to be in the office three days a week, employees at local startup Spinjack Digital say the new hybrid model is actually hitting them more like an indica.
“I thought this would improve my focus and stimulate creativity,” said programmer Tim Booth, shoveling a handful of Smartfood into his mouth. “But man, my tolerance is not what it used to be. I can barely concentrate on anything. I’ve just been listening to Phish bootlegs and stuffing my face with this expired popcorn I found in the break room.”
“It honestly doesn’t feel like a hybrid at all,” added data analyst Mindy Slotnik. “I’m getting the same anxiety and cottonmouth I usually feel with heavier strains, like Bubba Kush and Purple Urkle, and none of the euphoria of, say, Hawaiian Skunk or BC Roadkill.”
The company, which designs erotic online slot machines, has seen sales skyrocket during the pandemic and has more than doubled in size since going remote in March 2020. As a result, many of Spinjack’s recent hires have little or no office experience and are finding the transition to in-person work challenging.
“I am freaking out right now,” said marketing intern Geoff Binks. “Is it gonna be like this forever? My chest hurts — I think I need to go to the hospital.”
Unfortunately for lightweights like Mr. Binks, it appears the hybrid model is here to stay.
A company-wide email from CEO Phil Beeson informed staff that, “Even though our anonymous survey found that 98% of you would prefer to continue working from home, we believe a return to the office is key to boosting employee morale and maintaining a bomb-ass work culture.”
The company has already scheduled a string of mandatory “chill sessions” including a drum circle, a hacky sack tournament and a screening of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Employees who are struggling with the hybrid model have been advised by HR to stop being such a buzzkill, drink some water and just ride it out.
Jesus Christ is King
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