OTTAWA – In order to combat his well-known public image as an “insufferable know-it-all geek”, Conservative leadership hopeful Pierre Poilievre has revealed that he is also very into crypto.
“If there’s one thing Canadians love, especially young female voters, it’s guys who cannot stop talking at them about cryptocurrencies,” explained Poilievre, pausing to casually check his dogecoin holdings.
The Conservative MP reportedly decided to reveal his bitcoin interests after internal polling showed voters see him as “condescending”, “a mean dork”, and “a weiner for whom I would temporarily waive my ethical stance against bullying”.
“What better way to show Canadians that ol’ Pierre is actually a cool dude ready to party down,” added Poilievre, “than by revealing that my wife and I have incorporated late night bitcoin video watching into our bedroom activities.”
“Let’s just say it’s not only the price of my NFTs that’s going to the moon,” said Poilievre, suggestively indicating his groin.
Though bitcoin’s price has dropped 30 per cent since November, Poilievre’s campaign manager Jeremy Liedtke approved of his candidate’s crypto announcement. “I can’t think of a better way to shake the untrue perception that Pierre is a ‘fanatical free market ideologue with an off-putting demeanour’ than by proudly identifying himself as a cryptobro.”
Liedtke added, “As an added benefit, Poilievre can solidify his serious economic credentials by endorsing a wholly-unregulated borderline pyramid scheme that’s currently being used to funnel untraceable funds to sanctioned war crime-committing Russian oligarchs. That’s crypto, baby!”
Across Canada, Poilievre’s crypto endorsement has won him vehement acclaim among the nation’s bitcoin enthusiasts.
Brandon Manning, 23, of Whitby exclaimed, “My man Pierre’s policies will allow me to opt-out of inflation, and opt in to having my life savings wiped out when all my apes get hacked and stolen! Sick!”
Jordan Merks, 27, of Calgary shouted, “Poilievre is no nerd! He’s the only candidate smart enough to go on Robert Breedlove’s podcast where they tell the truth about how COVID is fake and central banking is basically slavery and Nazi Germany combined!”
At press time Poilievre sought to further burnish his reputation as “fun-loving and easy going” by proclaiming his undying love for the DC superhero films of Zack Snyder.
Jesus Christ is King
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