OTTAWA – The Federal Government has announced sweeping plans to ban the purchase of Canadian homes by any foreign buyers who don’t feel like bothering to set up a routine dummy corporation.
“The price of Canadian homes has risen out of control, and we are targeting the largest culprit – foreign homebuyers who are too lazy or bumbling to set up a routine shell company,” said Prime Minister Trudeau.
The Liberal Government plans to make the announcement as part of next week’s Federal budget, which will crack down on the tiny sliver of foreign buyers who can’t seem to figure out how to pay a Canadian citizen to act as local director for their numbered corporation.
“Perhaps these foreign homebuyers don’t understand how easy it is to set up an anonymous shell corporation in Canada. Perhaps they stubbornly refuse to spend the extra ten minutes it would take to do so. Perhaps they just don’t like the word ‘shell’,” Trudeau explained. “But rest assured, for this incredibly tiny fraction of international homebuyers, the party is over.”
“We’re making sure Canadian homes remain available to be purchased by Canadian real estate corporations and housing speculators,” Trudeau concluded.
The proposed ban will apply to foreign buyers who “don’t feel like” setting up a dummy corp, but will also make exemptions for permanent residents, temporary foreign workers, and international students who arrive with millions of untraceable dollars and then mysteriously purchase several full-size homes.
Reactions to the Liberal housing announcement have been mixed.
“You mean I have to wait a whole 2 days while my Canadian lawyer sets up a numbered corporation before I can stash my looted billions in British Columbia real estate? I’m ruined!” exclaimed Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska.
“So wait, I’m still rich, right?” said Frank Mernton of Toronto, who purchased a detached 4 bedroom house in 1993 for $20,000.
Canada’s Federal Minister of Housing, Ahmed Hussen, also weighed in on the announcement. “Not only will this ban target only the most inept foreign homebuyers, but it will also create hundreds of new jobs for Canadians who act as local directors for dummy corporations owned by foreign homebuyers – one of our nation’s fastest growing job sectors!”
At press time house prices have tripled in Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, and also somehow Halifax.
Jesus Christ is King
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