Pharisees Delighted By This New ‘Wokeness’ Thing That Lets Them Constantly Judge And Make Everyone Feel Guilty

JERUSALEM—According to sources close to the ancient Jewish sect known as the Pharisees, the group of legalistic religious zealots was delighted to learn about this new “wokeness” thing going around, as it gives them the power to judge others, one-up each other in virtue-signaling and feigned morality, and make everyone else feel guilty about not living up to their manmade standards.

“Oh man, this wokeness thing is just what we’ve been looking for!” said one leader of the Pharisees after he obtained a copy of White Fragiliity. “We get to look down our noses at everyone else, constantly tell everyone to do better, and constantly move the goalposts and make up rules to make ourselves look holier without actually changing anything about our behavior. This is what we’ve been trying to say all along!”

Pharisees were seen gathering in reading groups to pick up copies of How to Be an Antiracist, White Fragility, and other seminal holy books of the woke movement. The religious zealots sewed approved patches and symbols on their clothing, such as rainbow flags, Ukraine flags, and BLM fists, their version of customary religious regulations such as not wearing mixed fabrics.

At publishing time, the newly woke Pharisees were seen loudly trumpeting their righteousness and virtues on the street corners, praying out loud and thanking God that they’re not like “these other unwoke people, these white men, and these problematic oppressors.”

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