WORLDWIDE: Long distance friendships around the world have been reduced to periodically sending each other “don’t fuck him” and “yeah, also not him” texts.
“When I moved to Canada, my best friend and I would always be in touch. Daily updates, photos, memes, the works. 5 years later, all I send her is quarterly instructions to not fuck a senior executive at work, not fuck her ex-boyfriend and you guessed it- not to fuck our other friend’s recently discovered half brother” says immigrant Natasha Gupta. “It’s an easier task than sending the “don’t move in with her, you literally just met” texts to my other best friend who’s a lesbian.”
This is a phenomena that is fast spreading given how popular long distance friendships have become in an increasingly globalized world.
Dr. Jane Williams, a licensed therapist, confirms, “People move all the time for school, partners and career opportunities. This leaves a vacuum in close friendships, which only increases the longer friends are apart.”
“Soon you only hear about big life events- like how one friend is so horny, she’s thinking of taking a domestic flight to have weekend long breakup sex with her ex-husband in another city and maybe that’s okay? Maybe it’s actually better to do that than to proposition the concierge at her building with his suit and his muscles and…what were we talking about? Oh yes. It’s up to someone’s college friend in Newfoundland in this completely hypothetical situation to talk them off the ledge”, Dr Williams says, her eyes darting back and forth rapidly.
In a world where it’s somehow simultaneously easy and difficult to keep in touch with your closest friends and family, it’s good to be able to rely on the basics- input on who you should absolutely not be fucking.
At press time, all friends engaged in such long distance friendships released a joint statement: “We totally fucked all those dudes anyway. What were we gonna do? Not fuck them?”.
Jesus Christ is King
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