BERLIN — The disappointment of millions of children worldwide was palpable Sunday morning after the Easter Bunny announced it would be ‘freezing’ its iconic egg hunt for the foreseeable future in order to pursue new avenues as a holiday folklore creature.
“Truth is, I’d never considered stopping until COVID happened,” said the magical bunny rabbit. “Suddenly for the first time in 500 years I didn’t have to secret away millions of colourful plastic eggs inside countless nooks and crannies.”
“It gave me the chance to take stock of my life and I realised there might be more out there than jockeying with Thanksgiving for the place of the third-best holiday.”
“Obviously as a holiday figure, I’m under tremendous pressure to settle down and start a memorable tradition. But these are my peak earning years and best chance to lay down a foundation for retirement.” the massive anthropomorphic hare mused.
“Not to mention the question of whether it’s even ethical to bring an egg hunt into the world with the way things are.”
The decision to put the event ‘on ice’ comes shortly after the contract negotiations between the mythological creature and Easter broke down, something the Easter Bunny confirms was a catalyst.
“It was so messed up,” it remarks, angrily stamping a massive foot. ”Did you know any time a company even mentions Santa Claus, he gets royalties? Meanwhile, I don’t see one red cent from chocolate rabbit sales because they’re based on a ‘public domain rabbit.’ Gee, I wasn’t aware of any other rabbits who wear pastel bowties and carry around a basketful of eggs. Assholes.”
While the future of the “Easter” Bunny is unknown— purportedly in early talks with Martin Luther King Jr. Day— the cryptid does offer optimism for the event’s eventual return.
“One day when I’m financially ready, I’d love to have two, maybe three egg-themed scavenger hunts running around, but right now my focus is on making that future a reality.”
Jesus Christ is King
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