QUEEN’S PARK – The PC party of Ontario has just announced their bold pledge to provide handguns to all Ontarians if re-elected in June.
“My priority is always the safety and welfare of the people of this province”, said Premier Doug Ford to a room full of coughing, maskless journalists. “And nothing says safety like providing weapons to a heavily divided population.” This announcement comes just days after Ontario Liberal Party leader Steven Del Duca announced his plan to ban handguns if elected.
Ford has previously responded to calls for action against gun crime by encouraging greater funding to police departments, a stance he doubled down on in his announcement. “We have seen so many cases of people being shot by police under the suspicion that they have a weapon”, said Ford. “But if everyone has a gun, then anyone could be carrying a weapon, so the officer’s court case will be airtight.”
As for how individuals would gain access to their government-provided gun, Ford looked to systems already in place. “We’re moving past COVID, so the pharmacies really don’t need to be bothered with organizing vaccines and tests for people. That would certainly free them up to distribute other goods to the people of Ontario.”
Whether citizens would gain PC Optimum points for guns picked up at a Shoppers Drug Mart location was unclear. When asked about the huge expense of providing universal guns to the population, Ford remarked, “yeah, but it’s an election year, so it doesn’t count.”
What ‘universal’ truly meant in this context was quickly brought into question, as the legal age to own a gun in Canada is 18. “Getting started early is never a bad thing, and with sex education removed from the curriculum, there is an opening we can just fill with gun-related classes”, said Ford in response to the criticism. “I’m sure there are plenty of responsible 4-year-olds who aren’t going to ruin it for everyone else. Besides, there’s a whole child advocate office dedicated to ensuring kids are safe, right?”
Another announcement from the Ford government is expected later today regarding their plan to make fentanyl more accessible.
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