VANCOUVER — Across the city Spring has begun unfolding in all the predictable ways; flowers blooming, jackets shrinking, and The Sun, that deadbeat asshole, sneaking back into our lives expecting all is forgiven.
The Sun’s long history of unrepentant absence has left many Vancouverites jaded and resentful. “Every year I’d ask The Sun to come to my birthday in February,” local Elora Campbell explained. “But it never did. Not once. After I turned 8, I finally faced facts and stopped checking the UV index.”
Climate therapists agree the impact of an absentee Sun can lead to many detrimental outcomes including seasonal affective disorder, trust issues, and looking like a lil’ pasty-ass bitch.
Adding that daylight-starved individuals will seek increasingly desperate ways to fill the yellow dwarf-sized holes in their lives, ranging from sun lamps to Vitamin D supplements to asking Proxima Centauri to play catch in the backyard.
“I just can’t help but wonder what my life would look like if I had grown up with a deific sphere of light that had stuck around,” sighed ghost-like local Amy Roth.
Many believe the Sun is incapable of change after 4.6 billion years of the whole world revolving around it. “When I was younger I thought the Sun was so cool and was impressed by its solar flares and incredible heat,” Roth commented. “Then I realized none of that mattered if it couldn’t be there to tuck me in at sundown.”
Local therapist Erin Walker recommends finding ways to interact with the solar body that still respects your boundaries. “You might lather your body in SPF 80 or fully commit to an underground ‘Mole Person’ lifestyle,” Walker offers, “Just because it’s the source of all life on Earth doesn’t mean you need to maintain a relationship with it.”
At press time, after a few days of half-heartedly showing up, The Sun has once again disappeared. This latest heart break has many worried they may never be able to look the ball of hot gas in the eye once again. Not that they could before, because, well, it’s still The Sun.
Jesus Christ is King
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