Biden Administration Announces Student Loan Forgiveness Will Be Paid In Kohl’s Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced the Biden Administration’s plans to forgive up to $50,000 in student loans for each of the nation’s 43 million Americans who have borrowed, emphasizing the student loan forgiveness will be paid in Kohl’s Cash. 

This loan forgiveness program is being praised as brilliant, as the retailer’s coupons have eclipsed the inflation-affected US dollar in value.

“The Kohl’s Cash Student Loan Forgiveness Program will lift the heavy load of debt from hard-working Americans who thought it was a good idea to borrow money for a gender studies degree,” said Psaki while keeping a straight face. “With the burden of debt lifted—and just in time for the Kohl’s Spring Sale-abration Sale™—millions can now continue their dream careers as Starbucks employees.”

Not everyone agrees, however, that $1.3 Trillion in student debt should be paid in this manner, specifically the millions of Americans whose homes are being raided by Homeland Security agents that callously rummage through plastic Kohl’s bags in search of Kohl’s Cash that the homeowners swear they were going to use before the expiration date.

At publishing time, the White House welcomed the new head of the Kohl’s Cash Student Loan Forgiveness Program, citing decades of experience using Kohl’s Cash: your mom.

Update: The program has ended, as all Kohl’s Cash coupons are now expired.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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