BREAKING: This man can explain why he invested in NFTs but not what an NFT is

TORONTO – Scientists in Toronto have made a startling discovery this week: local man Josh Clybourne is able to justify at length why he invested in NFTs, but seems physically incapable of defining what an NFT is.

“NFTs are like any other high risk, high reward investment, except that the NFT market is more efficient so there’s more profit. You don’t have to ship stuff or rely on some middle man,” said Josh Clybourne to the press gathering at his Cityplace condo. When asked to define ‘NFT,’ Mr. Clyborne quickly excused himself to the bathroom.

“The F stands for fungus, I’m pretty sure!” he added from the toilet. “Also I’m going to be in here a while, so you can all go.”

According to friends, Mr. Clybourne has been interested in innovative investment opportunities about which he can’t string two words together ever since he discovered stock markets and also that his dad is rich. The 24-year-old, who recently dropped out of his post-secondary program in Financial Economics to spend more time watching YouTube videos, comes from a long line of investment enthusiasts: his dad never shuts up about Game Theory and his grandfather lost the family fortune in the Great Depression before making it back in a pyramid scheme.

“You can do all sorts of cool stuff with your NFT!” he exclaimed, showing his trivia team a terrible jpeg of a monkey eating corn on the cob. “Like, I own this art now, I could put it on a T-shirt or let a movie use it-” he continued, before being interrupted by a friend explaining that he’s describing copyright actually. “Ok well, this monkey is still more valuable than the other monkeys,” Mr. Clybourne mumbled, gently stroking his cell phone screen.

A few colleagues later interrupted Mr. Clybourne’s explanation that “an NFT is like an onion, it has layers” to ask him about the huge amount of energy his investment uses. “They’re digital, how could they use energy? That’d be like if my WiFi could drive up my hydro bill!” His colleagues then spent the next 30 minutes explaining both proof-of-work and how Internet routers do use electricity.

When asked for comment, head Finance Goonery researcher Dr. Marian Nierling stated, “I am hoping the buzz around NFTs dies down. They’re so bad for the environment, because… ok, I think it’s definitely something about carbon emissions.”

Beaverton