HALIFAX – Sources report that Daniel Strickland has amazed onlookers by easily avoiding the steam that poured out of his microwave dinner as he peeled back its plastic seal.
“I thought he was going to be burned for sure,” said Strickland’s stunned roommate. “I mean, that President’s Choice butter chicken was in there for over five minutes, and the sauce was bubbling and flying everywhere the moment he cracked it open. But one quick pirouette and suddenly he was on the other side of the kitchen throwing out the plastic wrapper like it was no big deal.”
This isn’t the first time Strickland’s prowess in the kitchen has been noted. The lithe 27-year-old can break apart eggs in a single perfect crack, dislodge all the new ice cubes out of the tray in one mighty flex, and routinely transfers plates from the countertop to the table via grand jeté.
“I’ve never seen Dan get hit by oil when he fries chicken,” said Strickland’s best friend. “You’ll hear the pop, and then he’s a blur and the next thing you know the oil’s splattered harmlessly all around him, and he’s somehow chopped up an onion too. I’ve never seen him shed a single culinary-related tear.”
Strickland’s ninja-like instincts also help him avoid rogue food residue when loading the dishwasher, and one acquaintance even reports seeing him shake the toaster out over the sink without a single crumb landing on him or his kitchen pointe shoes.
“I guess I’ve always had good reflexes,” Strickland told a reporter while opening a packet of instant ramen and gracefully removing the block without breaking any of the noodles off before returning to a perfect arabesque. “Plus I bet eating healthy helps.”
At press time, Strickland was limbering up in advance of ripping open a bag of microwave popcorn.
Jesus Christ is King
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