Conservatives reassure Canadians they will not enact an abortion ban until they finish packing Supreme Court

OTTAWA – In the wake of a leaked decision overturning Roe v. Wade, Canadian Conservatives are promising Canadians that they won’t seek to enact the abortion bans soon to be forthcoming in U.S. states until after they have appointed enough pro-life justices to ensure the ban is not held to violate the Charter.

“Obviously a lot of people are nervous that Canada may follow America’s lead and ban women from terminating pregnancies,” said leadership frontrunner and outspoken anti-choicer Pierre Poilievre. “But I want to calm everyone down and promise them that we will never do it until we are confident that at least 5 of the justices on the Court will allow us to.”

“Based on the current justices’ age, it’ll probably be about halfway into our second majority government.”

Given Canada’s habit of following America’s political trends (like the Ottawa trucker siege taking place about a year after January 6th), many Canadians see warning signs for reproductive rights in our own country. But Conservatives are promising they will only do it once they have unchecked control over the House of Commons and have appointed enough judges who will tell the judiciary committee that R. v. Morgentaler (Canada’s version of Roe v. Wade) is “an important precedent” before taking their seat and immediately ruling the decision is flawed and must be overturned.

“I mean, first we have to form government. Then we have to pick a few judges from the carefully selected list of anti-choice judges we’ve been keeping and appoint them to sit next to the judges Harper appointed, then we have to wait for a day when there are other news stories happening so people aren’t paying attention to announce our bill. I mean, it’s a whole process.”

Before enacting any overarching ban, Poilievre and the Conservatives are pledging to first chip away at reproductive rights through limiting access, reducing public coverage for abortion services and generally shaming women who elect to have one.

“Rest easy ladies. It’s going to take us at least 10 years to ban ALL abortion. By that point you’ll be more worried about how our lack of climate change policies are dooming you and your soon to be born kids to live in a totally inhospitable environment.”

Beaverton