Jesus' Coming Back

Studies confirm watching an in-flight movie from four rows behind makes it 10x better

VANCOUVER, BC — Researchers at University of British Columbia have confirmed the theory that watching an from four rows behind makes it 10x better.

“It’s an age-old question that hasn’t been answered for years,” says Dr. Claudia Ho. “We showed 10,000 participants a specific movie, wiped their memory of it, then showed them the same movie, but on a long-haul flight, and on a tiny 12-inch screen four rows down without any audio.”

Participants, like most who watched the movie, found Fantastic Four (2015) dull, boring, and un-engaging. When watched on a mini screen that kept getting paused at every pilot announcement, participants found the movie a cinematic masterclass, and “the best comic book film adaption ever made”.

In their report as part of the study, one participant wrote “Fantastic Four was the best movie I’ve ever watched. I can’t believe Michael B. Jordan was actually set on fire for the role. That rock guy—where’d they find him? Man, the silence of the experience was truly deafening.”

To test if the results translated to a universally-acclaimed film, one group of participants were shown Academy Award-winning film Encanto (2021). The results were astounding. Observations of this group during the plane setting included being overwhelmed with emotion, acute ecstasy, and even sexual orgasm.

“My life is so dull after experiencing such a high as watching Encanto on a middle-aged woman’s minuscule in-flight entertainment screen,” wrote one participant in their post-experiment report. “The fact that the subtitles were off, and she seemed to have fallen asleep made the experience even better. The mere thought of the endless possibilities of what songs Lin-Manuel Miranda penned for these animated characters makes my heart skip a beat. For the rest of my life I will be chasing this unattainable high.”

Film studios have already begun to take this new discovery seriously. The Hollywood Reporter reports Disney is considering releasing future films to airlines before theatrical runs and making them available to stream on Disney+.

The UBC research team is hoping to continue their research by studying levels of enjoyment when reading the book the person beside you on a train is reading, and studying levels of enjoyment when hearing music through the bathroom door of a bar.

Beaverton

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