Sad: Mormons Come To Local Man’s Door, But He Can’t Remember If They’re The Ones With Dianetics, Midi-Chlorians, Or The New World Translation

RIPON, CA — When an abrupt knock at the door interrupted his Raiders game, local man Joe Castaneda almost overturned his bowl of tortilla chips. Taking the long way to the door to buy time, Castaneda started wracking his brain for any trivia that could help him interact with the two Mormon Missionaries he was about to meet.

“Right at the 4th quarter, of course…now I know they’re, like, some sort of cult but I can’t remember which one? I think they’re the ones with the aliens. Wait, or are they the pacifists who don’t celebrate Christmas?” Mr. Castaneda shouted, “Be right there!” from the hallway as he secretly started Googling, “White College Students That Dress Like Dwight.” The top hits on Google were no help, as his algorithm only pulled up various Emperor Palpatine vs. L. Ron Hubbard rap battles on TikTok.

Unsure which book the white men were holding, Mr. Castaneda quickly recounted a World Religions course he had taken at the local community college. “Was the New World Translation the Bible? Which one keeps track of midi-chlorian count and which book promises the guys a bunch of virgins? Is ‘Dianetics’ the brand of holy underwear?” The questions consuming Mr. Castaneda’s mind were paralyzing, so much so that he didn’t notice Mrs. Castaneda sneak past the hallway and greet the men at the door.

At publishing time, Mr. Castaneda was still in the hallway Googling as Mrs. Castaneda explained to the men over tea that she did feel a ‘burning in her bosom’ earlier that morning but that was probably only because she was out of Tums. 

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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