484-Year-Old Methuselah Goes Through Midlife Crisis, Purchases Expensive Convertible Sports Camel

MESOPOTAMIA—According to the town crier, the proud owner of an expensive new sports camel is none other than local hunter/gatherer Methuselah. The local community has reportedly mocked the 484-year-old patriarch for going through a midlife crisis.

The exotic mount, which features a rear spoiler and open-air convertible hump, cost Methuselah 28 seashells, a herd of sheep without blemish, and a colt, the foal of a donkey. The camel is reportedly used but in otherwise tip-top shape, having only one prior owner.

“Woo! Look at me go!” Methuselah reportedly said as he rode by his best pals Tubal-Cain and Dave. “Check out my sweet ride!”

Though his friends were impressed, others in the community lambasted the middle-aged man for needless extravagance.

“He must be going through something,” said Zil-Bau, a local washerwoman. “Who even needs a camel? That’s silly!”

Lamech, son of Methuselah, has reportedly distanced himself from his father for the time being. “Jeez, am I going to act like that in 187 years? I hope not! It’s so embarrassing.”

“Grandfather Enoch lucked out. He was carried off to the heavens to be with the creator. He didn’t have to go through any midlife crisis.”

According to sources, Methuselah has taken to washing his camel outside his home several times a day to give it a pristine shine and impress all the ladies. To date, his behavior has not allowed him to pick up additional wives even though he also took the time to invent sunglasses he can wear to look even cooler.

“I can’t wait for him to get through this phase,” admitted one of his wives. “It’s all he ever talks about. He’s been spending too much time over in the land of Nod.”

Methuselah has denied he’s experiencing any sort of midlife crisis. “I’m still young. I’ve got so many years to live! You guys just jealous!”

At publishing time, the Camelaro has sat unused in Methuselah’s stable under a leather cover for three moon cycles.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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