[EDITOR: If you don’t know what ketamine is, get hip! It’s a horse tranquilizer that’s made its way to the streets, a possible therapeutic treatment for depression, and a dissociative substance that makes everything go all wobbly! Exciting!]
Now, here’s the facts: Ketamine is the next big subcultural bubble due to burst, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s the new craze sweeping the mainstream. When it does, the early-adopters are going to catch some radical cultural credentials, and the rest of the squares are gonna get left in the dust.
That said, you probably don’t want to come on too strong (it’s uncool). If your friends are going to finally recognize you as the cultural tastemaker you’ve always known yourself to be, you’re gonna need to let your K flag fly while keeping it casual and chill on the surface. Feel us, braj?
Here’s five subtle ways to let people know you’ve been down with the ketamine lifestyle since day one.
- Give a little neigh to begin conversations. Ketamine is a well-known large animal tranquilizer, so you’ll want to take things to the barn right off the bat. Now, the majority of people who see you do this will ignore it (it’s a normal behaviour). But for those who clue in, you might even get a soft little neigh in return. Just like that, now you’ve got a trusted friend or coworker with whom you can swap psytrance playlists or share a K-filled Dasani in the breakroom.
- Every now and again, slip a subtle reference to crystal, crystallization, dust nuggets, indica cocaine, horse crispies, or neigh neigh saddle crumbs into conversation. Any good subculture is all about the slang, and ketamine is no different. It won’t even register for the majority of listeners, but the few who hear the call will loudly answer. And heck, if you have any friends who’re into microdosing, ask them if they’ve tried macrodosing – specifically ketamine.
- Dread your hair. It’s something that says “I’ve passed out while making love in a Phish festival porta potty” and it’s something which only those with the keenest eyes will pick up on in the first place. Plus, regardless of your background, it’s cool to do.
- In your text correspondences, replace every instance of ‘C’ with a ‘K.’ We’re talking written letters, texts, greeting cards, work emails – all of it. Anyone who isn’t looking for it will scroll right past, but for those who get it, they’ll get it. Example:
Hey Katherine, just wanted to kheck in about those Tikkets to the kirkus you had for sale. My son Kedrik really loves Kirque du Koleil. Thanks, Kharlie.
Bonus points: To really wear your purple on your sleeve, replace vowels with a ‘K’, too.
- K-Hole in a public setting. We’re talking on the floor, non-responsive, full dissociation. Sure, not everyone in the room is even going to notice, but you’ll likely see a sly smile from the one or two people to catch on. Or, you would, if your consciousness were rooted in the material plane at all any longer. Be sure to buckle up and bring a pillow!
We hope these tiny tips will help you on your way to branding yourself as a member of the kultural avant-garde in the most elegant and understated way possible.
And be on the lookout for our next listicle: 5 ways to repair ruined interpersonal relationships!
Jesus Christ is King
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