WINDSOR, ON – Recent graduate Dana McAllister is thrilled about her latest opportunity – being unemployed after completing an unpaid internship.
McAllister, who had relocated to Toronto to intern at a graphic design company for 3 months, was excited about the prospect of being unemployed. “I’m just so grateful for this new step up the ladder”, said McAllister. “I feel like I can use my time so much more effectively now – I could spend my day building up my portfolio, or like, just get really good at cup stacking or something. The possibilities are endless!” Upon receiving the news, the 22-year-old called her parents and held a celebratory dinner of Mr. Noodles, her only source of sustenance during her internship.
In her previous position, McAllister’s daily duties included drafting social media posts, teaching her supervisor how to turn off Zoom filters, and dodging inappropriate comments from older male colleagues. Now, she is reaping the benefits of working in her own space again. “The commute is so much shorter, plus I get to go for coffee runs at the shops I like now. And look, I basically got a raise this morning”, she said, brandishing a small pile of nickels she found buried in her couch. “My new supervisor is a bit of a hard ass, though”, she conceded, gesturing to her cat, who was lying directly on top of her keyboard and attempting to bat her mouse off the desk.
When questioned about the ethics of unpaid internships, McAllister’s supervisor at her previous position, Kevin Gardiner, expressed pride in what the company was doing. “We strive to create an environment for our interns that accurately reflects the typical workplace experience: an onslaught of menial tasks that build up to no recognition”, said Gardiner.
“Besides, there’s so much complexity in today’s job market. I mean, imagine the hell Dana’s going to go through in this industry, with the wage gap being what it is? We saved our interns that stress by eliminating the wage altogether.”
When asked if she had received any other offers since this promotion, McAllister noted a message from a high school acquaintance with an exciting opportunity to “be her own #girlboss”, an email informing her she was the beneficiary of a mysterious offshore businessman, and a DM from an Instagram influencer who promised to pay her in exposure for her designs.
Jesus Christ is King
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