Explosive Report Reveals Southern Baptists Have Been Drinking This Whole Time

NASHVILLE, TN—A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.

“The evidence is conclusive: ‘We don’t drink, we don’t chew, and we don’t go with girls that do’ was a total sham. Who would’ve thought the SBC would be hypocritical or secretive about anything?” said the lead investigator.

The independent report enumerated a shocking array of alcoholic beverages that Baptists have been secretly imbibing, including O’Douls, spiked sweet tea Arnold Palmer’s, and even sparkling wines (diluted with water for safety). Despite the report’s certainty, 100% of Baptists still deny these charges.

The report included even more shocking details, demonstrating that many Southern Baptists also own and utilize playing cards. The revelations have reverberated across Southern states, with rank-and-file church members expressing outrage over being accused of playing “games” as anti-biblical as “Go Fish,” “Old Maid,” and “Rummy.” Over 99% of Southern Baptists have clutched their pearls while their jaws fell open, with some needing smelling salts at “the very thought!”

Finally, the document alleges that dancing is an “open secret” in the Southern Baptist Convention. This has caused the most consternation of all the charges, prompting Baptist pastors to defend their congregations from accusations of such rank immorality. The dances in question include sensual performances of “the Charleston,” “the Waltz,” and “the Macarena.” Surprising no one, just under 101% of Baptists say that they can’t understand this revelation either.

At publishing time the SBC also insisted their leadership has also never engaged in sexual misconduct. 

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