“I don’t know anything about the other candidates” is both worst and best reason to vote for Ford

Halton Hills, ON ― Political analysts have determined that your grandfather’s rationale for voting Conservative in June of “I haven’t heard anything about this Del Duca guy” is complete bullshit, and also still better than any other reason for re-electing Doug Ford.

Citing his ignorance of the platforms, histories, and, in Mike Schreiner’s case, names of the other party leaders, your grandfather made the announcement last week after picking up a newspaper for the first time since 2018, and briefly skimming a headline or two as the entirety of his pre-election research. Although you are horrified by his thoughtless decision, you have to admit that it would be even worse if he was fully aware of the chaos Doug Ford has unleashed, and wanted to see more of it.

Like far too many voters, your grandfather never noticed the sex-ed repeal and backtrack, the failure of buck-a-beer, the pointless redesign of license plates, the gradual destruction of the Greenbelt, or the continuous prioritization of politics over public health when reopening, re-reopening, and re-re-reopening the province. He did notice, however, that Doug Ford seems like a friendly guy whose face is more masculine than Andrea Horwath’s, and who also shares his name with a car company and an American president.

Laziness was determined to be just slightly more forgivable than being a climate denialist, anti-vaxxer, or general bigot to whom receiving a $120 tax rebate is more important than funding public hospitals, fixing the long-term care crisis, or ensuring adequate education for the next generation. This is, the report concludes, still a long way from actually forgivable.

The authors caution that anybody uninformed enough to casually vote for reckless mismanagement should stay home on June 2nd, and anybody crazy enough to actively support reckless mismanagement should stay home at all times.

At press time, thousands of politically engaged teenagers who read the news daily are set to have their futures determined by 70-year-old egotists with the critical thinking skills of toddlers.

Beaverton