Parents Begin Disguising School Buildings As The Capitol So Congress Will Spend Billions To Protect Them

U.S.—Parents across the nation have begun disguising their kids’ elementary schools as the Capitol Building in D.C. so the government will approve funding to keep them secure.

“Hello, welcome to Clem Elementary—um, I mean the Capitol Building!” said 1st-grade teacher Sally Russett to reporters. “We are so excited for our representatives to spend billions on security just like they did for the other Capitol Building in Washington! Maybe they’ll put up a tall fence and metal detectors and hire men with guns—you know, like they did for themselves! That would be great!”

Experts say Congress has been very quick to secure funding to protect themselves at their workplace from violent Trump supporters who break windows and steal Nancy Pelosi’s lectern, but has not been so fast to do anything about protecting kids in schools. 

“To be fair, said Senator Chuck Schumer, “There aren’t any important people like congressmen in elementary schools, so why would we waste taxpayer dollars protecting them? That doesn’t make sense!”

But with new white-domed buildings popping up around the country, Congress seems to finally be warming up to the idea of keeping those buildings secure, as they recently announced a bill to send a Capitol Police force to all school buildings disguised as Capitol Buildings.

At publishing time, the Capitol Police plan backfired as they kept opening the doors and letting violent people inside.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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