RICHMOND, BC – It’s that time of year again – dads across the country have awoken from their long winter’s naps to gripe about how overgrown their lawns have gotten.
Local graphic designer Liam Cooper was awoken at 6:30am on Saturday to the sound of his father revving the lawn mower right outside his window. Cooper’s father, Marty, has been in a dormant state since late October, when he eagerly put on Platoon and then fell asleep in his armchair 10 minutes in.
“He hasn’t been asleep this whole time”, explained the younger Cooper. “He would wake up every now and then and say he was hungry, then say ‘Hi hungry, I’m dad’ to himself and make himself a sandwich. But this is the first time I’ve seen him up and about this year.”
Cooper’s father gave no comment on his hibernation, other than “you’ve got to vary your mowing patterns or it’s all a bust.”
Marty Cooper is not the first father to surface this season – across the country in Bedford, NS, father of two Aled MacPhee re-emerged from his man cave, having shed his winter coat to reveal belted khaki shorts and a worn pair of New Balances. MacPhee was reportedly found shaking a handful of trail mix while asking his wife if the weed whacker was still in the shed.
“I was pretty worried about him operating a riding mower so soon after leaving his hibernation”, said MacPhee’s wife. “Then again, I don’t want to be the one to deal with all those dandelions.”
MacPhee’s daughter, Nancy, stated that she hadn’t even realized her father had entered hibernation. “He was chiming in about as much as he usually does when I talk to him and my mom”, said Becker. “I thought he was just humming noncommittally, but it turns out he was snoring.” She then startled at the sound of what she thought was the lawn mower starting up again, but then realized it was just her father clearing his throat from the other room.
Dr. Lorraine Christensen, who has been studying the hibernation patterns of dads for nearly a decade, was relieved to see these men reappearing. “The dad population did get pretty shook up when all the Home Depots closed during the pandemic, so it is nice to see them settling back into their regular patterns”, explained Christensen. “One will exit hibernation and assert dominance by being the first to mow their lawn, then the rest start to pop up so as not to be one-upped.”
Christensen’s research has found that the average North American father’s mind has “great capacity for remembering the specs of every John Deere machine, but no capacity for remembering the names of their children’s friends.”
Christensen will continue to monitor dads across the nation as they prepare for the annual migration to their respective family cookouts, where they will linger by the grill to give unsolicited advice.
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