COLUMBUS, OH—Local man John Spiller, who hasn’t spent any time talking with God all week, sounded off today about how distant God feels.
“It feels, like, really hard to connect with God right now,” said John as he booted up another video game. “I don’t know why He seems so far away and silent,” he continued, moving his Bible out of the way to sit down on the couch.
According to Heavenly sources, the Creator and King of the universe continued to humbly await beloved wretches like John to converse with him. “I’m always here, waiting for my sons and daughters,” said the Most High, as he watched Mr. Spiller mindlessly scrolling TikTok. “You know, I literally sacrificed my Son in order to be able to commune with my creation—but so far this week John has been too distracted with something called the ‘Vogue Challenge’.”
John frequently had a difficult time praying, never quite knowing what he was supposed to be saying or how to stay focused. He usually tried to talk to God through his thoughts instead of speaking out loud, even though spiritual giants like C.S. Lewis found that near impossible. John also felt the need to exclusively offer spontaenous prayer instead of using a prayer book, and sometimes words wouldn’t come. Mostly, however, it felt like there was this almost-sentient force tugging at him to do anything else but pray.
At publishing time, in spite of that active temptation to live in sub-human shallows, John had reportedly turned off every screen to simply sit and tell God he wanted to be near Him.
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