WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court overturned all Matrix sequels, rendering them invalid. Warner Brothers will no longer be permitted to distribute The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, and The Matrix Resurrections.
The court’s official opinion was authored by Justice Clarence Thomas who explained that Reloaded was too confusing, Revolutions featured too much action outside of the matrix, and Resurrections was just an appalling mess.
“The Matrix is henceforth a single film and an online computer game,” wrote Clarence Thomas in the court’s official opinion. “The Matrix and The Matrix Online shall remain canon. The court’s decision is final.”
He also made it a point to list the directors as The Wachowski Brothers (with the word ‘brothers’ in bold) in what experts are calling a based move.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was devastated by the court’s ruling. “This morning the radical Supreme Court has eviscerated the fandom. I personally know many people who love the chateau fight scene in the second one.”
“And The Matrix Online is now offline,” she added. “Frankly, I don’t understand this ruling at all and I believe the American people will not stand for it.”
At publishing time, a Pew Research poll revealed that approximately 99% of voters concur with the judgment of the court. Sources say next year the court will consider overruling all seasons of The Office after Michael Scott left.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.
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