WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre brought out President Biden during Thursday’s press briefing to demonstrate the president’s new toddler leash. According to White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain, the presser was organized to boost the American people’s confidence in Biden, who has wandered off numerous times.
Press members could not hide how impressed they were with Biden’s stylish new attire. “Oohs” and “ahhs” filled the briefing room. Several women claimed the president looked “adorable.”
CNN’s Caitlan Collins pressed the secretary for more details. “What designer created this masterpiece for the president?”
Jean-Pierre quickly explained that the monkey toddler backpack/leash combo was purchased at Wal-Mart and retails for $13.99. “The president is singularly focused on building back better and this new leash helps him keep his attention on where it belongs: helping the American people raise more tax dollars to send to Ukraine,” she said.
“And you say that’s a monkey backpack?” asked NBC correspondent Kristen Welker, seeking clarification. “He can put things in it?”
Jean-Pierre flipped through her notebook for several minutes before proudly answering in the affirmative.
Fox News’s Peter Doocy was admonished by other reporters when he asked, “Who is leading him around all day? Are they the real president?”
“The president is still the president,” answered Jean-Pierre. “He’s just led around all day by a leash and told what to do and say based on a daily cheat sheet he is given by undisclosed sources.”
“He’s fully in control.”
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.
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