US Supreme Court rules Environmental Protection Agency’s powers do not extend to protecting environment

WASHINGTON — The US Supreme Court has struck down the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) ability to limit greenhouse pollution from power plants, arguing that protecting the environment does not fall under the agency’s purview.

The 6-3 vote was split ideologically with the conservative Justices Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, and Barrett ruling that the agency had ‘grossly overstepped’ in its efforts to stop the world from burning.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts argued that the Clean Air Act, the federal law which authorises the EPA to establish standards to protect public health and welfare, did not grant the EPA authority to establish standards to protect welfare and public health.

Notably, the justices invoked the “Major Questions” doctrine in their decision, stating that the agency could not solely ‘undertake decisions of such economic and political significance’ in the face of something as frivolous as the greatest environmental crisis of our, and future, lifetimes.

In Washington Republican groups celebrated the SCOTUS decision to return the ability to dictate desperately needed climate policies to Congress, a group where half refute climate change exists and the other half don’t want to make waves by believing in anything.

“Finally, the power to decide how to deal with climate change is back in the hands of the American people!” said Patrick Morrissey, the attorney general of West Virginia, the plaintiff in the case. ”Technically, highly paid lobbyists and their billionaire bosses are also American people.”

Eric Schmitt, attorney general of Missouri, also poured on his accolades, calling the victory “a big win” and the end of the EPA’s job-killing regulations and the beginning of people-killing climate events.

At press time, unsatisfied with merely hobbling the Environmental Protection aspects of EPA, Republican lawmakers have directly expressed their intentions to come after the ‘Agency’ part too just as soon as they can weasel their way back in the White House. 

Beaverton