Simone Biles Awarded Second Medal Of Freedom For Backing Out Of First Medal Of Freedom Ceremony

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Simone Biles backed out of the upcoming Medal of Freedom ceremony, citing the need to pay attention to her mental health. The Biden administration has since announced that they will honor this additional act of bravery with another Medal Of Freedom.

“This year’s list of Medal Of Freedom recipients already included heroes, role models, and leaders — but one of our recipients is worthy of double honor,” a Biden staffer read from a prepared statement to the press today.

“Simone Biles already demonstrated her moral courage last year, when representing the United States, she backed out of the team finals event one day before it happened. She has showed her incredible tenacity, grit, and wisdom yet again in backing out of the Medal Of Freedom ceremony, a courageous act for which she will be receiving another Medal Of Freedom!” Reporters cheered, asking the staffer breathless questions about their decision.

“Yes, we are also happy to be giving a Medal Of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe. Not for sports, of course, but for kneeling for justice, equal pay, and sponsorships.” The staffer continued answering questions about Simone Biles, Megan Rapinoe, and other recipients, circling back to add that Simone Biles may be the bravest quitter in the nation’s history.

At publishing time, President Biden’s aides had begun preparing his prompt card for the event, clarifying “YOU be sure to call her Simone, not MICHELLE” as well as “NO, this isn’t NINA Simone, that’s DIFFERENT,” and “YOU give HER the award without unnecessary whispering or sniffing.”

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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