WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn’t actually smell like strawberries.
“I gave one of those medal things to that nice young man Merv Raptart today and his hair was pink! You ever seen such a thing? I didn’t know they made that kind of hair. Looks like strawberries,” said Biden to one of his travel catheters he mistook for a CNN correspondent. “But then I leaned in, and it smelled all sweaty and oily. Like hippie shampoo. No strawberry smell. Not even Jolly Rancher strawberry. Come on, man! Ripoff!”
White House Sources say Biden was just joking — that the real reason he fumbled with the medal so long was because he was so deeply moved by Rapinoe’s fight to get paid as much as the men’s soccer team and while courageously kneeling for the national anthem.
“I’ll tell you what, that boy’s a national hero!” said Biden. “Takes real courage for a boy to run around with pink hair like that, especially if it doesn’t smell like strawberries! Ripoff, man!”
At publishing time, Biden reported that Cindy McCain had also received a medal and her hair smelled much better.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.
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