WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, senior White House aides are still searching for a Biden they can send out in public following recent gaffes and federal crimes committed by Joe, Jill, and Hunter Biden.
The pressure to find a member of the Biden family who will not do the administration harm has resulted in the resignation of numerous employees including former press secretary Jen Psaki. When asked to comment on the growing scandals within the White House, Psaki laughed wildly over the phone and hung up.
“I don’t know if I can take it anymore,” said one aide who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity. “When the first lady compared Mexicans to breakfast tacos I absolutely lost it. And don’t get me started on the President. I have to wear a hair net to keep him from trying to sniff me. I look like I work at McDonald’s!”
“At least Hunter doesn’t live in the White House.”
Some have put forward the president’s daughter, Ashley, as a potential Biden to show off to the public. Her social activism and sense of fashion have tested well with focus groups. Unfortunately, her alleged diary which details sexual abuse within the Biden family has placed her squarely on the “no show” list.
At publishing time, it was reported that Joe Biden has submitted his DNA to Ancestry.com in hopes of finding a relative suitable to be shown in public.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.
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