These days it’s best if you homeschool your kids, but we understand that not everyone can. So, if you’re going to send your kids to public school, at least help them avoid the cancel mob by packing a few essential items in their backpacks.
Here are 13 items every student needs to avoid being canceled:
- History textbook with all the pages about white people ripped out: The more we can forget about white people the better.
- 300 masks: They must live in constant fear of a virus that has almost no chance of harming them.
- BLM foam fist: Make sure all their teachers know they are sufficiently anti-racist.
- A bag of salted crickets: This is an eco-friendly meal approved by the World Economic Forum. Make sure he has enough to share with his friends!
- A dog muzzle: This will help prevent him from expressing any unapproved opinions.
- Tampons: To stock the men’s room. Janitor always forgets for some reason.
- Kente cloth scarf: Make sure your child knows to kneel respectfully while wearing it.
- Locket with pictures of RBG and Dr. Fauci inside: So they can always be close to his heart.
- A copy of The Constitution: Make sure it’s first torn to shreds and put in a little baggy.
- A Ukraine flag pin: This is the current thing. Be ready to replace as soon as the current thing changes.
- Extra booster shots: You never know when more vaccines will be authorized!
- Heart medication: See above.
- Two journals: One for taking notes on their teacher’s sexuality and one for schoolwork.
If you’re sure to pack all these things, your kid might survive! Just don’t pack any Tuttle Twins books.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.
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