CALGARY – According to reports from the Whittaker household, a spoon has been found on a bedroom nightstand despite the utensil’s natural kitchen habitat being well over a dozen steps away.
“While a single spoon may appear harmless, and even cute, it could soon be followed by more cutlery, glasses, and in a worst case scenario, plates,” said University of Calgary biologist Dr. Brent Chambers. “This one spoon could be carrying all sorts of dirt and disease that the bedroom biome just isn’t equipped to handle. Not to mention that the poor little guy is probably scared and confused.”
This is a rapidly developing situation, but authorities believe the spoon may have travelled to the bedroom via a bowl of cereal or a cup of coffee. Yoghurt is also being investigated as a possibility.
“I just walked into the bedroom and thought ‘Wow, what is that doing there?’” Helen Whittaker said. “I would move it back to the kitchen myself, but God knows where it’s been, so I figured I should call in professionals.”
A team of specialists are currently trying to coax the spoon towards them with a variety of stirrable liquids. Upon capture, the spoon will be humanely washed until all traces of bedroom contaminants are removed, at which point it will be returned to the flock of spoons in the cutlery drawer.
Authorities aren’t pointing fingers, even though the fault obviously lies with Helen’s husband, Brad. Instead, they view the incident as a teachable moment.
“While leaving a spoon in the bedroom may seem like no big deal, it doesn’t take much to upset the delicate balance of the household ecosystem,” said Dr. Chambers. “If you bring it in, bring it out. Otherwise, these ‘small’ moments can compound until you’ve turned into my fucking slob of an ex-husband.”
At press time, Brad Whittaker was unleashing chaos in the sensitive environment of the living room by leaving a plastic takeout fork sitting on the coffee table even though the garbage is, like, right there.
Jesus Christ is King
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