TWITTER — After centuries of dispute amongst the greatest theological minds in history, the puzzle of free will and predestination was suddenly solved last night through a debate on Twitter.
“The thousands of volumes written on the subject have at last come to final fruition in the debate between @HeavenDestined101 and @PastorPat,” said Bill Stephens, head of Dallas Theological Seminary. “We are so thankful they both decided to engage in this fiery late-night Twitter exchange. Their deep wisdom help lay to rest a theological question that has plagued us for millennia.”
The debate reportedly began after a verse from Romans 9 was posted by Senator Marco Rubio, who notoriously uses his platform to post scripture with no commentary. Pastor Patrick Leahy shot the opening salvo by saying that Romans 9 should not be read in isolation, as Scripture indicates that God created humans to be free since pre-destined worship would not be true worship. This bold claim was immediately called into question by seminary student Jeremy Simmons, who eloquently wrote, “So then you don’t believe God is sovereign???!???”
The debate quickly gained steam as the world watched these titans of theology tussle via short, 250-character bursts. Sources say that both parties were furiously googling “what verses support predestination” and “what verses support free will”. When the dust cleared, the question which has prompted actual wars and literally driven theologians to madness was at last settled.
The final answer was reported to be exactly what God had ordained it to be, discovered through the freely exerted intelligent will of humanity.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.
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