SELLERSVILLE, PA — Safety officials have confirmed that the rickety-looking, collapsible roller coaster at your local town carnival, which is currently being operated by a toothless meth addict, is probably fine.
“Looks pretty safe to me,” said an official-looking man in a “bikini inspector” T-shirt who was missing several fingers from his right hand. “I mean, these rides drive all over the country, operate every night, and have to be set up and taken down by untrained teenagers several times each week. I’m sure they build them pretty sturdy to be able to stand up to that.”
Gummy Joe, the ride operator, confirmed that the ride’s safety record is unparalleled. “I ain’t never seen no kid get hurt on this here coaster,” he confirmed. “I mean, last month the cars flew off the track and into a nearby lake, but fortunately the seatbelts failed and them kids were thrown clear.”
A review of the public records of the carnival parent company Crystal Ice Amusements, LLC did not turn up any recorded safety violations in the last five years. The search also didn’t turn up any business permits, inspection certificates, or any other official documentation that the company actually exists.
At publishing time, someone who looked vaguely like a health inspector confirmed that the corn dogs from the sketchy-looking food trailer are probably fine, too.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.
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