White House Clarifies That Biden Only Claimed To Have Cancer Due To His Dementia

SOMERSET, MA — After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.

“No, Biden does not have cancer of any kind,” said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “He was just confused due to his dementia. We assure you the President is in perfect health. We’re even having trouble keeping up with him!”

The White House doctor confirmed the statement, saying Biden is in perfect shape. “I just examined Biden this morning, and except for a fungal infection in his left armpit and some dementia, there’s nothing wrong with him at all,” he said.

The White House said Biden will give his own statement as soon as they have a chance to adjust his medications.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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