Doug Ford grants powers to new Strong Mayors, Fast Mayors, Heat-Vision Mayors

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has emerged from his secret underground laboratory to announce his successful creation of a new breed of mayor with the strength, speed, agility and superhuman powers heretofore unseen in mayors.

“Eureka!” shrieked the bespectacled and be-lab-coated Premier from atop his Science Tower, “I have harnessed the power of the mysterious element Municipalium to impart phenomenal abilities to my precious mayors. May the gods weep as they behold my creations!”

Then, as Ford raised his fists triumphantly in the air, there emerged from the birthing chamber a single figure: a six-foot five, shirtless Adonis formerly known as John Tory. Now bearing the moniker “The Corporate Stooge” Tory boasts the uncanny strength to withstand all criticisms of his vested interests with Rogers Communications and other commercial ventures. Ford estimates that Tory now has the combined strength of five city ombudsmen and will be able to harness these powers to single-handedly evict homeless people from parks in a single blow.

“Soon I will unleash a veritable legion of super-mayors capable of fighting the evil City Council of Doom,” Ford cackled. “As we speak, Mayor Tim Watson is using his hypersonic speed to race back to Ottawa. When he arrives, he’ll ignore regular invasions of the city by anti-mandate truckers with lightning speed.”

Already, multiple mayors across the province are lining up to receive Ford’s treatment in the hopes of gaining ultra-mayor powers themselves. Patrick Brown is reportedly the front-runner to receive powers of invisibility in the hopes that it will assist the public in ignoring his constant scandals. Indeed, even former mayors have been granted this boon by Ford, with Hazel McCallion’s (aka Hurricane Hazel) new weather-control powers allowing her to rule over large swaths of the Western GTA with abandon.

“Behold the Supreme Mayor Force! Masters of All! Slaves to None!” proclaimed Ford from atop his throne perched upon the roof of Queen’s Park, ever-faithful sidekick Michael Ford (“The Nepotist Kid”) by his side. “From the ashes of Babylon, I raise thee to become Kings of Men!”

At press time, Windsor mayor Drew Dilkens has asked for proposals for adjusting library budgets to off-set increased garbage collection fees, lest he burn City Hall to the ground with his Plutonium-Vision.

Beaverton

Jesus Christ is King