WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but I think I nailed it,” said Mr. Kinzinger. “Feel like I’ve really gotten down that perfect combination of keeping a veneer of professionalism while showing nothing but total disdain for others.”
With both representatives soon to be unemployed, the two began searching for new work about six months ago. “Interestingly, the skills you learn in Congress don’t transfer to many other jobs,” said Ms. Cheney. “It turns out fostering anger to gain power isn’t that useful outside of politics and the media. Oh, and boxing promotion, but that really wasn’t for me.”
Nervous about the audition, Mr. Kinzinger reportedly began practicing his speeches for the hearing to a group of stuffed animals and superheroes he set up in his bedroom. “To call this hearing a partisan witch hunt is ludicrous,” said Mr. Kinzinger to his Marvel collectibles. “It is absolutely fair, and people out there really do care about it! Now nod your head, Spider-Man.”
At publishing time, Mr. Kinzinger and Ms. Cheney had placed a stipulation that MSNBC had to hire them together, as no job was worth separating their love.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.
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