Top Alternative Words To Use When You Can’t Say ‘Groomer’

Big Tech is cracking down! Facebook and Tik Tok have already banned the use of the word “groomer”, and this week Twitter followed suit, evidently perceiving “groomer” as a slur on the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re concerned that people who normalize sexualizing young children plan to escalate into more sinister activities, you still need a way to explain your concerns. To that end, here are some alternatives to the word “groomer!”

• 6r00mer — Sneak right past the algorithm!
• Minorphile — As a bonus, it sounds erudite.
• Public School Teacher — No offense to the several dozen non-grooming public school teachers out there.
• Person of Grooming — This is the politically correct term.
• –. .-. — — — . .-. — Morse code is one of the oldest tricks in the book.
• Roomer-Gay — Linguists say pig latin predates morse code — and it’s fancier!
• Gender Mentoring Advisor — To provide intimate counseling “away from the prying eyes of those pesky parents.”
• Epsteinian — For the local teacher hoping to out-Jeffrey Jeffrey by assembling an army of underage sex slaves.
• Child Abusist — It sounds so polite.
• Aunt Tifa — We’re not sure where the algorithm stands on blue-haired teachers who moonlight as communist pedophile thugs, but use this now in case Big Tech bans “Antifa” as a slur too!
• Windowless Van Aficionado — People who drive these to their “family-friendly drag reading events” probably hope to scale into less family-friendly territory.
• Genital Relocation Logistics Coordinator — The more inflated the title, the more likely it is you’re looking at a groomer.
• Politician — We all know what you’re up to, Congressman.
• Person who has age-inappropriate sexual conversations with other people’s kids for the purpose of preparing or training them to be more easily exploited by political idealogues, gender extremists, and pedophiles — If only there were a single word to describe that…

That’s it. Now go forth and call out groomers — or rather, Gender Inclusivity Education Professionals!

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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