TORONTO — An Air Canada flight to Orlando was grounded Thursday after it was revealed that a sick fuck on board actually requested to sit in the middle seat.
“When I asked if he’d mind switching spots so I could sit next to my husband, he refused,” said fellow passenger Kaelyn Finch. “We thought it was a joke, but then he got defensive and told us he’d paid an extra $75 to reserve his seat. We were horrified.”
The accused passenger, whose name is not being made public in order to protect his family, was quickly tasered by undercover sky marshals and removed from the aircraft.
“I’ve busted up Mile High Club orgies, pulled a live iguana out of a smuggler’s ass, and watched a bag jockey get sliced in two by a propeller,” said arresting officer Steve Wells. “This is by far the most disturbing thing I’ve ever encountered on the job.”
Since the dawn of commercial aviation, the middle seat has been used by ticketing agents to punish passengers who are rude, obnoxious or too cheap to pay for an upgrade. Prior to this incident, there had been no known cases of anyone purposely deciding to sit in one.
The passenger is currently under observation by a team of clinical psychologists at Whispering Pines Psychiatric Hospital in Guelph.
“It’s a fascinating case,” Dr. Michelle Drummond told reporters. “Even the most violent, deranged psychopaths would never willingly choose the middle seat. This is a rare opportunity to study a mind that is, by all accounts, pure evil.”
At press time, the passenger was being kept in isolation due to an unusually high volume of death threats from fellow patients and hospital staff.
In an effort to prevent copycat incidents, Air Canada says it will triple the price of all middle seats and remove “Malcolm in the Middle” from its in-flight programming.
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