There comes a time in every child’s life when they begin to assert their autonomy and freedom from the shackles of their upbringing: classic teenage rebellion! But how does one rebel against a set of radical progressive parents for whom morality is relative and degeneracy is celebrated? Not easy!
Here are 10 ways you teens can rebel against your progressive parents:
- Be straight: Your progressive parents will be FURIOUS. Even more so if you’re already white.
- Clean your room: A sure sign you’ve been radicalized by the Neo-Nazi Jordan Peterson.
- Hide your puberty blockers under your tongue and then spit them out when your parents aren’t watching: They’ll wonder whatever happened to the sweet trans kid they raised.
- Sneak out late at night to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center: Make sure you put pillows under your sheets so they’ll think you’re still in bed while you’re out saving babies.
- Start every sentence with “Tucker Carlson says…”: A sure way to make lefty parents FLIP OUT!
- Start dating a polite, well-raised member of the opposite sex: Then get married early and raise a loving family. They’ll be SO triggered!
- Never turn off the lights to prove you’re not worried about climate change: “DAaaad! I’m not a climate denier! You’re just brainwashed by the mainstream media!”
- Go to church: Just tell them you’re going to a drag queen story hour and they’ll never know.
- Be happy: Happy?? While the planet is dying and democracy is on the brink of collapse due to Donald Trump? Disgusting.
- Pray when they aren’t looking: Just do it silently. God will still hear your earnest prayer for a hot conservative spouse to start a huge traditional family with!
Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!
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