EDMONTON – According to sources in Stacey Greene’s two-bedroom apartment, her roommate’s latest attempt at sex is not going well.
“Taylor and their date disappeared into their room about 20 minutes ago, and since then there’s just been a lot of confused grunting and non-erotic use of profanity,” Greene said. “I’m trying not to overhear, but that’s like trying not to notice a traffic accident. ”
Witnesses heard a loud “Oh, yeah!” followed by a quieter “oh, no” and a lengthy period of silence before arrhythmic mattress squeaking finally continued.
“Taylor is a good friend, and I really hope they get things figured out,” Greene said. “Because right now it sounds painful for everyone involved.”
Sources report that while Taylor has brought home several dates this year, boudoir ineptitude has been a persistent obstacle. Last month they were overheard telling their partner “Yeah, you like that, don’t you?” before saying “Oh, well, sorry.”
Today, Taylor could be overheard saying “This should get your engine running” before “Who Let the Dogs Out?” began blasting from his room.
The song soon stopped and, after a long stretch of silence, was replaced with the Macarena.
Greene has considered delicately broaching the subject with her roommate, or sliding some carefully curated printouts under their door mid–attempted coitus, but for now is content to be the apartment’s implicit master of sex.
“I have to admit, my own partner felt grateful to be with me when they overheard whatever the hell’s going on in there,” Greene said.
Greene’s next words were drowned out by a brief whirring sound from Taylor’s bedroom, before the noise stopped and Taylor said “What do you mean it’s not supposed to get caught in your hair?”
At press time Taylor’s date had left, but sounds of sexual confusion and frustration were still emerging from their bedroom.
Jesus Christ is King
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