PALM BEACH, FL – FBI agents who recently participated in the raid on former President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort have revealed to the press that while they are still sifting through the relevance of the documents and items seized, they are all quite sticky.
“I can’t really disclose what was taken or why we are interested in it, but what I can tell you as that everything was, universally, tacky and viscous to the touch,” stated Special Agent Mark Constantinos. “We have directed all of our agents to don full body suits going forward, because our imaginations of what they might be covered in is just really yucky.”
While some of the glutinous stains and layers were easily identifiable as run of the mill ketchup or McChicken sauce, others proved far more mysterious. While it served no immediate function towards ongoing investigations, the fact that a bust of Trump standing in the lobby of the hotel was found to be absolutely saturated in some sort of mucilage was fascinating enough for the agents to bag it up too. Theories on why Trump’s possessions are gross from a tactile sense run the gamut from mundane to truly horrifying.
“Look, let’s cut to the chase, we are operating under the belief that the majority of the substances come from Trump’s own body or those of his associates/ladies-of-the-night,” Constantinos stated.
“It’s probably semen, is what we’re saying. Probably mostly semen,” he continued.
The discovery of the outright nasty nature of items caused the FBI to immediately bring a black-light specialist, causing the immediate blindness of all individuals within a 50 metre radius of the epicentre of Trump’s bedroom. Four investigators have since been diagnosed with a plethora of sexually-transmitted diseases, several of which have been previously unknown to science.
“How does maple syrup even get on a ceiling fan? Or water-soluble lubricant on the underside of a medicine cabinet? Why is there saliva on the majority of the pool chairs?” Constantinos queried, “These are the questions we both need to and don’t want to ask.”
The investigators did reveal, however, that the combination of sexual fluids on the important documents did provide a protective coating such that everything was perfectly preserved and did not require lamination.
While charges against President Trump have not yet been advanced, potential arresting agents have been instructed to bathe before, after, and during any contact with his person.
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