Church Puzzled By Low Attendance At Its ‘Sit Around and Talk About Your Feelings’ Men’s Conference

TUCSON, AZ — Staff at Vertical Abundant Grace are scratching their heads wondering why there is little to no attendance at their most recent Men’s Conference. The sharp decline has caused many to reevaluate what’s not working about getting a bunch of men together to cry about all their problems and issues.

“It just doesn’t make sense! Every year we have our men’s conference it seems like fewer and fewer people want to show up and have heart-to-heart, cry-it-out sessions with other men,” said Carl Burgess, Head Pastor at VAG. “We even cut out the heavy Bible reading sections in hopes that more men might attend this year and leave more time for discussing feelings.”

“The men’s conferences are always advertised as an effort to reclaim Biblical masculinity and become stronger men and fathers,” says Jacob Blivens, a VAG Men’s Conference veteran. “But every year they find new ways to make it weird.”

According to sources, others in their community said they weren’t looking for another get-together based on the promise of ax-throwing and grilling, or sitting around sobbing about their problems. Instead, they wished there was a Biblical example they could learn more about — someone who walked with God, had similar struggles as them, and persevered to the end.

At publishing time, Vertical Abundant Grace decided they would fix their attendance problem for next year’s Men’s Conference by making the theme “Flames, Flannel, Flavor & Feelings.”

FBI agents Scoulder and Mully hold a press conference where they reveal the incriminating evidence found in Trump’s safe. This raid was definitely justified.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube
Babylon Bee