Canada’s Aunties all pause mid-sentence, sniff the air, whisper “it’s happening”
TORONTO – Canadians from all walks of life reported strange events with older relatives yesterday, as the retail giant Hudson’s Bay announced its plans to relaunch the beloved department store brand Zellers.
“We weren’t even watching the news,” said Michael Mosher, 18, of Halifax. “I had just taken Aunt Shirley to the park to feed the ducks when this creepy look came over her face. She stood up and walked out of the park, saying how ‘the day had finally come, and it was time to check the flyers.’ She hasn’t walked on her own since 2008.”
Mr. Mosher’s experience wasn’t unique.
“It was, like, something in Aunt Selma’s eyes, they just snapped to attention,” said McKenzie Gray of Sarnia. “We were paying her bills when she sat up straight, looked at me, and asked if I wanted a milkshake. I said no but she pulled this laminated menu out of her blouse–don’t ask me how long it had been there–that said Zeller’s Family Diner on it. I had to Google what that was.”
The elder Miss Gray could later be found at her assisted living facility, rummaging through old papers, mumbling about ‘Zed Days’ and telling her personal care worker that “Zeddy is summoning us. We’ll meet at the food court and then go fill our boots.”
Management at Hudson’s Bay was excited, though maybe a little perturbed, by the reaction to the news.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” said Corporate Spokesperson Mason Smith. “I was getting ready to send out the press release and my phone rang–my personal phone–and this small voice just said ‘We’re ready.’ I was like, who is this? But she just said again ‘We’re ready. The lowest price is the law’ and hung up. Again, I hadn’t even hit Send yet on the email.”
Reports continue to come in. In half-abandoned strip mall parking lots across Canada, groups of older men and women have begun forming lines in anticipation. Also, several warehouse workers reported that a box of old Zeddy Wheel Rides spontaneously turned on and begin to shout, ‘Come Ride With Me!’ to whoever was around to hear.
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