Investigation of Catholic Church by Catholic Church finds no wrongdoing by Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis issued a statement Thursday deeming the sexual assault allegations against Quebec Cardinal Marc Ouellet as ‘insufficient grounds’ to launch a formal investigation. The announcement comes following a preliminary investigation conducted by the Catholic Church of the Church clearing Church members of any misconduct. 

The preliminary investigation was headed by Papal-appointee Jacques Servais, a theologian who has previously worked with Ouellet. “I’ve worked with the Cardinal [Ouellet] for years now, and know him well,” Servais said. “Who could be better suited to judge the validity of these allegations levied at my friend by some random woman?”

“Turning to the Bible for wisdom, Christ says ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ which the Church chooses to interpret as ‘judging others is a sin’ and that ‘people will always be impartial when arbitrating over issues that directly affect them.’”

The alleged assault consisted of several incidents of unwanted touching and kissing during Ouellet’s time as the Archbishop of Quebec. In 2010, Ouellet was called back to Rome and promoted to prefect of the Dicastery of Bishops, a high-ranking position within the Church as influential as potentially embarrassing to have promoted a sex offender to. 

“In the unheard-of instance that the Vatican disciplinary system fails to mete out justice, an external regulatory body exists to monitor all Church conduct and ensure it is above board. An almighty external board, you could say”, Servais added, clasping his hands together and gazing skyward. 

Despite additional criticisms of failing to gather enough information and lacking sexual assault training, Servais defended his findings, “Listen, if we had to investigate every sexual assault allegation heaved at a member of the Catholic Church to the fullest, things would grind to a total stop around here. And then how would we have the time to not pay taxes?”

At press time, the Pope was reassuring the over 100 defendants named in the lawsuit alleging 88 clergy members of sexual abuse and misconduct that should any wrongdoing eventually be discovered, they could rest assured that the perpetrators either would be too old or dead to face any repercussions.

Beaverton